By Pere O'Dee
Chicago Spittoon staff writer
Spokespersons for the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee announced today their recruitment of a candidate for the Congressional seat in Illinois' Sixth District. The DCCC's candidate will be Peter Roskam, the current incumbent in the seat.
"We're absolutely thrilled that Roskam has agreed to this," said DCCC spokesperson Wyatt Mayl. "He's everything we were looking for. He can raise money better than anybody else, and no one could ever say he was too liberal for the district."
Roskam's office confirmed that he would be running as a Democrat, but said that he would not be giving up the Republican nomination for the same seat. "It's clear that there is no one better than me to run against myself," he said. He added that it was sad to see the Democrats run a candidate who was an obvious tool of radical left interests such as moveon.org. "The voters will see that I'm clearly too liberal for the district, and vote to re-elect me instead." Roskam then condemned his comments as divisive and mean-spirited. |
| "Goddamn," said Mayl. "I was sure that nobody could say that. Who the hell do we have to nominate? How about Mussolini? What do you mean, he's dead? Are you sure?"
Mayl also dismissed concerns that the Democratic base might be unhappy with Roskam. "There are a few purists in our party who expect candidates to be ideologically correct. But most of us understand that winning is what counts. Roskam is a proven winner, and he'll do even better with DCCC resources behind him. Who cares that he won't vote to give free vaccinations to spotted owls, or whatever the hell it is that these people care about."
Voter reaction to the DCCC's announcement was mixed. "I only know what's on TV," commented Barry Irregardless of Lombard. "Who's Roskam? Wasn't he that guy they caught in bed with Anna Nicole Hilton?"
Others expressed more nuanced views. "The primary is still far from over, and Roskam would need to win that first," said Elmhurst housewife Shirley Eugest. "I'll listen to what Mr. Roskam has to say, but I'll listen to all the other Democratic candidates as well, before I go into the polls and vote for whoever Barack Obama has said I should."
Still others were more firm in their views. "We have to defeat the Republican Party. They lied us into an illegal invasion and occupation, leading to the death of thousands of Americans and possibly a million Iraqis," said Elk Grove Village grocery clerk Ann Otherone. "There's nothing that Democratic Roskam could vote to do that could possibly compare with that, except maybe continuing that occupation indefinitely while starting up a new war with Iran."
"While I would never vote for them, it's good to see the Democrat party field a candidate who can appeal to more than just the whacko leftist fringe," said College of DuPage Republicans president J. Allen Nerdly III. "If Roskam lets me drop bombs on countries full of brown people, he can't be all bad. No, I don't mean me personally. I'd like to enlist, really, but I've got a bad toothache, and I have to be here to look after Skippy, my pet gerbil." Skippy the gerbil could not be reached for comment.
With news of the DCCC's move leaking out, rumors were quick to arise that a third-party candidate might emerge to challenge Roskam and Roskam in the general election. But Mayl was quick to discount this possibility. "A lot is riding on this election," he said. "I mean besides my paycheck. We all remember how the Republican Congress instantly rolled over and gave Mr. Bush everything he wanted. With the new Democratic leadership, there's up to a week of discussion first. Voters might briefly flirt with the allure of an independent. But in the end they'll give up on well-meaning idealism and come home to reality, as they realize that a vote for anybody but Roskam is a vote for Roskam." |
